


Harry For Cynics

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-21
Updated: 2007-06-21
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:16:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: One shot.  Harry is approaching this whole, "my life as a hero" thing quite realistically.  And sarcastically.  "This is my life... and people want to READ about it?"





	Harry For Cynics

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Harry for Cynics

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling and do not own any of the things I make reference to in this fanfiction.

 

HARRY:

 

I think I may have gotten a bullocks deal if you ask me.

No, I'm not complaining about my life. But I think that it's perfectly normal, however, to think that under the circumstances of my current state that I will not be leading a parade of cheerfulness anytime soon.

Frankly I don't have the time, what with five Horcuxes to hunt down. Or, while we are on the topic, the means. I don't think that I would strike anyone as the most cheerful and outgoing person at Hogwarts.

The "Oh Potter, You Rotter" song that Peeves enjoyed back in second year never did fully die out.

The lyrics were just changed. Apparently, people thought the offbeat melody was catchy.

"Oh Potter, you rotter,  
Oh what have you done?  
You lie and deceive,  
Oh PLEASE...CHOSEN ONE?!  
The title's quite high  
for someone so young.  
Are you certain you're ready?  
Because dying is no fun!"

It did start to fan out once people figured out that I wasn't lying about Voldemort coming back. 

And don't they think I realize that dying is 'no fun'!?

Because honestly, there is so much to deal with right now.

Five uncertain, unknown locations of Horcruxes...including one that Professor Dumbledore and I found once but I will have to find again just to ensure that the thing has been destroyed.

Damn R.A.B. I know that you were trying to make the world a better place, but really? Not only do I have to figure out Voldemort's twisted and psychotic mind, but I also have to take a trip into yours? Come now. Next time you steal a Horcrux, don't leave a hanging question about whether or not you destroyed it. God forbid I add another mystery onto my already full plate.

Then once I find these Horcruxes I have to destroy them. Alright, I suppose you could use the argument that I finished off one in second year. But that was just fifteen-year-old Voldemort, making his first Horcrux. What about when I have to face the contraptions around the Horcrux and the actual thirty-year-old part of Voldemort's soul? That will potentially be the worst moment ever because then he's young enough to chase me down, but old enough to remember fifteen different creative ways to torture and kill me.

Not that he is having such a hard time in that department at the present day, but still.

And what about my friends and family? I worry about them constantly. Well, I mean, he could probably take out the Dursleys and I wouldn't much care. I mean, I'd care but not in the 'let's light a fire and sing Kumbaya in memory of their passing' sort of way. But if he killed my friends...just like he and his henchmen have directly and indirectly killed everyone else I care about so what is to stop them now? Certainly not the Ministry (that worthless, silly organization), or the Wizarding community... Or Dumbledore...

Which leads me to another thing I have to do before I die.

Kill Snape.

That spineless git passing himself off as a human being has essentially caused all of the problems that I am dealing with right now and led to the reason why I am dealing with these problems right now.

Oh, let's see what he did, you know, just for kicks.

He indirectly got my parents murdered.

He made my life a misery any way he could at Hogwarts, short of killing me. He had the decency to leave that much for Voldemort.

He refused to help get an innocent man (who happened to be my godfather and his childhood rival) cleared of the crimes HE DID NOT COMMIT.

He got said innocent man murdered. Indirectly, of course, because that's the way he rolls.

He murdered Dumbledore. DIRECTLY. WITHOUT HESTITATION AND BEFORE I HAD A CHANCE TO FIGURE OUT THAT HIS DEATH WAS ALL FOR NOTHING.

If that does not SCREAM evil, plotting coward then I don't know what does.

And it also adds complications to my full set of tasks. Not to mention that I also have to dispose of the piece of Voldemort that is still alive.

Great. After everything else, this should be just the thing to send me to an early grave.

Let's just hope that it's not at the hands of Voldemort.

Because if it is that would be the worst execution of the hero cycle ever. Or so Hermione tells me.

So wonderful. This is utterly wonderful.

Still think that my life is just brilliant because, hey, I can do magic?

I thought so.


End file.
